My damp proof course is breached.
A wall is crumbing, my drainpipe leaks.
The window is broken, the gutter is down.
A fence panel is loose, my water is brown.

I knew I should have sorted these repairs.
Now there’s a problem with the stairs.
I need a handyman, but none to be found.
It seems like they’ve all gone to ground.

I’ll buy a drill and have a go myself.
Even though I can’t put up a shelf.
Still, what’s the worst that can happen?
I couldn’t care less if no one is clappin’.

I’ll saw this in half and put a screw in that.
I’ll paint this blue, and I’ll plane that flat.
I’ve wanted to know what a router does.
That angle grinder doesn’t half buzz.

I’ve replaced a skirting board, fixed the loo.
Laminated a worktop with very strong glue.
The state of the electrics gave me a shock.
But I managed to clear that flippin’ airlock.

I reckon I’m quite adept now at DIY.
I’m going to advertise as Mr Repair Guy.
No job too small and none too big,
And I used to call my drill a thingamajig.